Raising the driving test pass rate - the easy way

Welcome to the Elite driving school.  You are all very welcome.  We have one of these evenings occurring across the country, on average, every 7 minutes, such is our popularity.  Thank you for bringing your sons and daughters along.
So you might be sitting there, quite smugly, thinking to yourself how clever you have been to get your place this evening.  Now, all you have to do is sit back and relax.  No.  We have standards here at Elite, we don't get a name like "Elite" for no reason.  I will not tolerate anyone who abuses the reputation of this driving school.  You probably know this already, but let me confirm; pupils who enrol with us pass the driving test, on their first attempt, 99.97%.  We are working really hard this year to make that 99.98%.  And we need your help, every single one of you, to achieve that goal.

Do you think that we are interested in a national driving test pass rate of 45%?  Not in the slightest.  It doesn't affect us, because it does not represent us.  Do you think we have any interest in the UK % of Grade A driving instructors?  Not at all, everyone here at Elite is Grade A.  We actually like to consider ourselves A+ actually, and for a good reason.  Take me, for example.  I used to be a traffic cop for 30 years.  I use to drive around in very big, powerful, flashy police cars.  I now sit back and live in luxurious surroundings pulling on my not-insignificant pension per week - a pension that I think would make your Dad's eyes water.  I use to chase everything, and guess what, I always caught them; but I'm guessing you knew that already.  I use to escort VIP's, I was armed, I had so many specialities that frankly, I could spend the rest of tonight, talking about no-one else but me, but that's not why you're here tonight.  So rest assured, that the staff here at Elite, are nothing but elite.  Grade A?  You bet grade A, but you can add a plus to that too.

No, you are here tonight, because we have asked you to attend what is a very important evening with us.  It's important because in our vast,  and some might say, outstanding experience, we know how important it is for us to set our expectations of you.  Each and every one of you.  Don't drop your eyes at this point, that shows a sign of weakness.  If you don't want to drive round in big flashy cars, knowing that you've passed with the best driving school in the country, there is the exit, and I wish you a good evening.  Because I only want the best in this room.  I'm not going to achieve 99.98% pass rate by working with a bunch of losers.

We have standards here.  You will be passing your driving test the first time, that is going to happen.  Mark my words.  You will be successful. 

Any questions?

A Dad:  Hello, Sir, thank you so much for that inspiring talk.  I only wish I had this opportunity when I was 17.  You've not mentioned anything about road safety, is that something that you kind of, cover?
Mr Elite:  I've seen things on those roads that you could not even imagine.  There is nothing, absolutely nothing that you, or in fact, any of you out there tonight, could tell me about road safety.

*Gasps* from the audience

A Mum:  Hello, oh I must say that this is all very impressive.  One thing that I would like to ask is will my daughter be a confident driver?
Mr Elite:  Ha ha ha, yes very good.
A Mum:  No, what I mean is, having passed the test with you, which I'm sure she will, will she be confident?
Mr Elite:  Listen to me Mrs?   Never mind.  Listen.  You don't get where I am, with a driving school like mine that is running across the whole country, with zero confidence.  It's all about you knowing that you are buying into something special here.  Trust me.  I do know what I'm talking about.  Our record speaks for itself.

Another Mum:  Do you mind if I ask how you do it please?
Mr Elite:  Do what?
Another Mum:  How you manage to get a first-time pass rate of 99.97%?
Mr Elite:  That will be 99.98 after this year let me tell you.  There's no room here for complacency.  How we do it?  Well, we train your son or daughter really hard, that's how we do it.  THAT is precisely why, we need your son or daughter to be firing on all cylinders, chomping at the bit, ready to tackle those test routes.
Another Mum:  Yes but how?
Mr Elite:  Don't you get yourself worrying about detail like that.  Let's just say shall we, that no stone will be left unturned for preparing your sons and daughters to be ready for their driving test.  What I would encourage you to just think about for a second is, why do you think other driving schools are performing at about 45% when Elite is up at 99.98%?  Just think on that for a moment.

*round of applause*

A Dad:  Hello, your Highness, do you mind if I just ask?  How can I put this?  I hope you don't think me weak by asking.  I remember when I was 17 I really enjoyed learning to drive, it was actually quite good fun.  Is it fun training with you too your Highness?
Mr Elite:  Did you pass first time?
A Dad:  Sorry?
Mr Elite: When you were 17, did you pass your driving test first time?
A Dad: Oh I see, no, it took me two goes.
Mr Elite:*Pause while staring at the Dad*  Thank you.  I think that answers that one.

So if there are no more questions, time is money as they say.  I have a question for all you sons and daughters.  I need a really loud reply to this question:  What are you going to do?

A variety of softly spoken answers including "Go home and have fish and chips", "Play Xbox", and "Fuck right off" .

No no no no no no!  This will not do!  You, are going to *pause* pass *pause* first *pause* time.  That's what you are going to do.  Now, let me hear you, what you are going to do?

"Pass first time"