String in the tail

"It's just the sort of thing he does Mum."
"Well that's just not good enough Stacey, he needs to start showing a bit of responsibility...at his age."
Stacey's attempt to defend her boyfriend Ian was falling on deaf ears.   Ian was only 19 but her Mum had high expectations of everyone.  
"Where are you now love?"
"I'm still at the hospital Mum!"
"Which one, not the 'omerton?"
"Where else do you think we're gonna go Mum?  Bloody 'ighgate?"
"There's no need to use that tone with me young lady, you're not too old for your father to give you a smack on the arse."
"Mum, I've got me boyfriend with a 5-inch metal spike up his arse, and you're talking to me about me Dad smacking my arse.  Give it a rest Mum, I just don't need it right now.  If only I still smoked, I could have something to do, God knows why I packed it in."  She started to bite her fingernails.

Stacey was pacing up and down the A&E entrance on a damp, Monday afternoon.  She had to call in sick at the Sainsburys in Dalston, a stone's throw away from her Mum's home in Ridley Road.  She did share her Mum's opinion about the hospital, though.  That was often the way with Mum she thought, it wasn't what she said, so much as how she said it.  Her sister Madge had a rough time at the Homerton, giving birth to her boy Sammy.  One of the family jokes is how Madge's back was used in training practice for a new medical student to prep for the caesarian like a darts board.  Often when Madge was speaking the family would agree with her in chorus "oche Madge."

"Fuck knows how long," Stacey was now chatting on the phone to her best friend Sharon, who also worked on the tills at Sainsburys. "Your guess is as good as mine.  How longs a piece of rope?"
"Sting Strace, I mean, string Stace."
"You alright Shaz, you been on the pop?"
"Eh?  Bit early for that Stace, it's only half twelve, but if you are going to insist?"
"Eh?  You daft mare, I can't leave my Ian here laying in bed with a spike up his arse."
"Why not?  He ain't going anywhere is he?"
"I can't handle this right now.  I do feel like I could do with a drink, to be honest."
"Shall we go and see the duke at the church?"

Within the hour, the two girls were sat in their favourite pub, The Duke of Wellington, opposite the catholic church on Balls Pond Road.

Stacey patiently sat while Sharon got their drinks.  She left her mobile face down on the table, she didn't want to see any messages.  They had a little rule between the two of them, lager and lime up to 4 pm, Prosecco up to 8 pm and anything goes after 8.  In that way, they felt they were properly managing their alcoholic intake.  

"Thanks hun," Sharon passed Stacey her drink.  
"Fucker," Sharon whispered loudly to Stacey.
"Who?! Charlie behind the bar?!"
"No, that weasle eyed fucker over there," she looked directly at Stacey while slowly lowering herself to the seat.  "Don't look now, but by the pool table."

Stacey instantly looked towards the pool table where there he was.  Bold as brass, smiling at Stacey.  Sean, 'the sheep shagger' as he was known.  The rumours go that he was once seen trying to put his dick in the charity bottle that sits on the bar.  A great loss to the Salvation Army, as no-one but no-one has gone anywhere near it since.  If a passing visitor to the pub is seen putting change in the bottle, the staff ring the bell and everyone shouts out: "Sheep shagger strikes again!"

"So come on then babes, tell me how it happened."
Sharon got herself settled down, clicked the selfie phone camera on her mobile and started to check her eyes and lips for smudges.
"Well you wouldn't believe it," Stacey started.  "You know my Ian is learning to drive?"
"Uh huh." 
"So this morning, it was pissing down and we were walking to the cafe for breakfast.  I didn't fancy much but Ian was starving as he had a rough kebab last night and was sick."
"Was he?!  Which one?"
"Well that's the thing, he just uberred it didn't he, silly twat.  I've been telling him to watch it.  Have you seen the insta of the kebab bloke with his hands down his trousers, playing with his 'how's your father' while working?"
"No!"
"Fucking yes Shaz."
"No!  That can't be true."
"You wanna see it Shaz.  I can't show you now, if I look at my phone I'm just going to see shit from Ian to put me in a guilt trip."

The girls looked at each other and laughed while saying: "Eeeeeewwwwww" in harmony.  

Sharon looked over to Sean who was still staring at the girls with a smile on his face, she shouted "Fuck off!"
Charlie behind the bar said, "Excuse me, ladies, this is a respectable pub if you don't mind."
"What, with that perv standing over there," Stacey shouted back.  "I don't think so Charlie boy.  The only respectable thing you could do in this pub is ban the dirty bastard."

The girls laughed out loud, clinking their drink glasses together.  Sean appeared to be totally unphased by being the source of the jokes.

"So we're walking to the cafe, the one near his, near the launderette."  Ian lived near Canonbury Station, off Grosvenor Avenue.  He likes to refer to his home as being in Canonbury, especially when he meets new people - to try to impress them.

"Did I mention the rain?  It was pissing it down Shaz."
"With you so far."
"Now his driving instructor is a bit weird..."
"They often are."
"...I know, but this one Ian's got keeps talking about danger."
"Well that is a bit weird."
"I'm just weighing up whether I should have another or not," Stacey flashes her near-empty half-pint glass towards Sharon.
"Go on, why would you not?"
"I can't be pissed in charge of a patient can I?"
"What do you mean?  Ian?"
"Well yea, it wouldn't do me turning up to the hospital out of my head."
"Another won't do any harm though," Sharon turned to Charlie and raised her hand.  "Yes please Charlie, if you're not run off your feet?"
Charlie who had been stood staring at the football, turned to the girls, "Same again?"
"You know us too well," Stacey opened her purse and took out a £10 note, ready for Charlie when he came over with the drinks.

"Anyway, so Ian's been getting the hump with this examiner or instructor guy, something to do with speeding and amber lights, I don't know, seems a lot of fuss about nothing.  And he keeps talking to Ian about risk.... thank you my lovely.  I would say keep the change Charlie but I'm gonna need it at the hospital later.  Thieving bastards charge a fortune for parking."
"Stacey, what has this got to do with Ian being in hospital," Sharon was beginning to get bored with the story.
"I know, I know.  So there we are walking down the road this morning.  Ian says to me that he has been asked by this guy to start thinking about consequences to dangerous situations."
"Bloody hell, is this a driving lesson or Jeremy bloody Kyle?"

They clink their filled glasses together, and both say "Love you" in unison.

"I know Shaz, so outside the cafe, they have this metal fence.  With spikes."
"No..."
"Oh yes.  What does he do?  He says to me, 'Who cares about consequences?'  With that, he goes to jump straight over the fence into the cafe, but his hand slips on the fence and ...."
They both look at each other with screwed up faces, ".... the rest is history Shaz."
"But how did he end up with the spike up his arse?"
"Blimey Shaz, he tried to jump over the spikes. And, before you know it..."
At this very moment, Stacey's phone pings with a message.  She jumps out of her skin.  They both laugh.

As Stacey goes to pick up her phone, Sharon says "What, he lands on the spike?"
"Uh huh"
"In front of everyone in the cafe?"
"You bet, it will be going viral as we speak Shaz."

The message read: 'Can you please bring me grapes?'
Stacey taps into her phone, 'Why?'
'Cos I've been told I can't eat any solids for four weeks'

Stacey relays this to Sharon, and they both start screaming with laughter.  
Sharon takes a sip of her drink, "Bet his instructor will be regretting bringing the subject up now, no more lessons for Ian."
"You got it babes."